Turning down what I call the "itty bitty shitty committee".

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I have been trying to write a post about my trip to Greece for almost a week now. I have been racking my brain to decide how I am going to write it, do I want it to be a narrative of my adventures? Do I want it in first person, or do I want to have more of a story teller voice....I am just struggling. Then I realized, I struggle with this each and every post. This being:

The "itty bitty shitty committee".  

What is the IBSC? The voice inside my head that is a constant stream of negativity. "You can't do this, you're not good enough, you're too big, you're too fat, you don't have any friends, why would anyone want to read what YOU have to write?" 

I realize that this sounds really harsh. But if I can't be honest in my blog, what's the point? So here is my honest moment, each and every word that I write is a constant struggle. Each plan that I make, dream that I have is tainted by this concept of an "itty bitty shitty committee". Every day I struggle with my self worth and self image and it isn't until recently that I have been trying to turn down the volume and realize it is just that, senseless volume.

When you have been told your entire life by someone close to you that you are not worth it, you start to believe it. It is a huge and long term web of lies, manipulation, and a young brain that doesn't know the difference. Again, I know this sounds harsh. But when you are in a constant whiplash of "I love you, I hate you, you're not worth it", it becomes second nature. And let me tell you: second nature is hard to unravel.

But here's the good news: In the past year, I have learned how to keep the noise of the IBSC down. Between some very special friends (who know who they are) and my amazing daddy, I have been able to find my self worth and turn down the volume of the IBSC. But, no one is perfect, and no stereo is ever off. So every day, especially those like today where I am trying something new for the first time, that volume gets turned up. So I will continue to fight with the volume control and the IBSC.