It's been a long couple of weeks. I'll be the first to say that I have been on an [expected] roller coaster of emotions. Moving anywhere is super stressful, moving overseas? Times it by about a million. Coupled with some family changes this has become a what seems like never ending marathon.
I have effectively lost my home. I am in the middle of a transition and I know this, but it warrants the question: What makes a home?
I have always said to people that my home is very important to me. After a series of...interesting...roommates I learned that my home, my living space is something that I don't take for granted and can make me very happy after any day.
Currently, I am in the middle of homes. I have very little left here in Idaho, and my apartment in Tokyo is being readied for me. I have one chair, a bed, and a table. I sold most of my stuff in the garage sale I hosted this weekend, and have been eating off of paper plates. My home still stands, but it is dramatically different than it was just six weeks ago. It's no longer a home. It doesn't have pictures on the walls, no dishes to eat off of, and no couch to sink into. Although I knew what I was diving into, it doesn't help feeling like I am a vagabond only here for a week at a time. It's impossible to de-stress, there is constantly something to prepare, to do, and I am eating out more than I am eating in. I have been to the grocery store once since I have been back in Idaho. I feel like I am constantly on the move because I am not cooking at home, decompressing on a comfortable couch and not surrounded by comforting belongings.
I am simply here. Occupying space until I eventually head off.
Then what? I move into my "sparsely" furnished apartment. An apartment that I won't see before I get there. I have my things that I am sending, but really makes an apartment a home?
I have pictures for the walls, clothes for work, shoes to walk in. I have two cookbooks, toiletries, and a crockpot. All things that here, made me feel like this was home. But will it be enough?
Maybe Zach Braff's character in Garden state was right, maybe this idea of home is just something that is lost until we have a family of our own.
"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in...isn't really your home anymore. All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit...that idea of home is gone."
"I still feel at home in my house."
"You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day, and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for... For your kids. For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. "